To Amy

18Dec09

I really don’t know how to express the complicated feelings I have.
I am thinking of you today.


a study in perspective

I recognize that in the past two years I have changed significantly. My outward responses have become more hesitant and thoughtful. Perhaps I am getting older and know that as a hot-head, I need to think things through before I voice them. I have become less cynical outwardly; carefully evaluating most thoughts my mind wants to eject via my mouth.
With this comes a better understanding of modernity, post-modernity and what would be an inward longing for truth. I believe that I was definitely, without ever agreeing or willingly acknowledging, a product of my post-modern culture. I know that I rejected, in my cynicism, the ability to realize truth.
How could I do this?! Doesn’t Jesus say “I am the way, the truth and the life…”? Was this the same as saying “I can’t know Christ?!” What I think that I am getting at is that in my desire to question everything in this longing to know truth I rejected every expression of certainty. I saw it as something arrogant – that you think that you could have the corner on what is true or not!

I am now understanding that my cynicism was a clever mask for something sinful. My own arrogance and unwillingness to come before the embodiment of absolute truth and admit his lordship. I still work on my cynicism – but now I am better equipped to recognize it’s subtle insinuations into the thread of my thoughts. I now keep some nuggets of truth in my head (o, wretched, weak flesh!) such as Jesus’ intercessory prayer in John 17 (vs.17) “Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth” and Isaiah 40:8, “The grass withers, the flower fades: but the word our God shall stand forever.”

This change is far from complete. I know that I have much to learn, … of that I can be certain! Hopefully, I will be able to voice more of it here.


Father in Heaven,
I desire a heart for your work. I long, even now, to perform that which you have set aside for me to do during this all too short life.
Please guide my feet to the place you have chosen for me. I desire your blessing, Father – not that which I could take for myself, for your hands are bigger, Lord.
I want to be in your service anywhere, for to me, that is the highest blessing. Does that mean here? Does that mean a far off land? I want to be in your service anywhere, Lord.


new day

19May09

Today is a new day. Sorry, too personal for details. Suffice to say that I am feeling lonely, anxious, hopeful, and sad all at once. Yes, that is quite a mix and I am pretty sure I am not alone in this state.

It is not how I had hoped things would go, but I think that it is the wise choice amongst the options. Strangely, I feel different today; nothing specific, just not the same as yesterday.

(perhaps I should take up twitter – this was quite a short post, with no intrinsic value…:\ )

eloquence lost

13May09

I have nothing eloquent to say today. I feel that I should be weeping upon my bed as David did for his sick child. While in this mind, the Lord drew me to this verse – so I will let my words be few:

The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty; the LORD is robed in majesty and is armed with strength. The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.
Your throne was firmly established long ago; you are from all eternity.
The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea – the LORD on high is mighty.
Your statutes stand firm; holiness adorns your house for endless days, O LORD.

~ Psalm 93


Isaiah 46:9

I have been afforded a morning of retreat. Well, all of us have – it is our morning for contemplation. This passage came to me while I was walking the Salmon Trail here on campus. It is a good place to return to – the beginning and end. In the next verse Isaiah hears the LORD tell him this:

My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure


Phil. 2: 5-11

We may never know the pain and embarrassment that Jesus endured for us during his ministry on earth – we just receive the blessing.

Think about this in a linguistic sense for a moment. When you enter a language group without any ability to speak the language, you essentially become an infant in what you can do and say. Christ was all powerful – more than we commonly comprehend. He put all of that aside and became, in comparison, like an infant.
How embarrassing for us when we enter that new culture and language group when we give up our status as an intelligent, respected person in our culture for this new group. We no longer have the respect that we once enjoyed.

When I consider this and apply it, in a sense, to what Jesus endured for our sake, how much sweeter the blessing becomes.

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love’s sake became poor
~Phillips, Craig and Dean




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